World’s Most Successful Kidney Donor

In the Philippines one of the names given to the area around Manila is “One-Kidney Island.” This is because the black market sale of kidneys is so common.

One man, who asked to be called “Carlos” (although his real name is Bart) is known far and wide as the world’s most successful kidney donor.

“I have developed a fool proof technique,” says Carlos. “I have the doctor sew the recipient’s bad kidney back into me. Then there’s a new one to sell.” When asked how he deals with the fact that the next transplant will be of a bad kidney, Carlos says, “That’s why there are airplanes. You get out of town until the heat is off.”

Carlos says he did this by falling on a skate key.

Asked how he explains the huge scar which is already there when the doctors prepare for surgery, Carlos tells them, “I fell on my roller skate key.” When asked about the future of his business,  Carlos is optimistic. “This kidney gig should be good for quite some time. But sooner or later it will dry up. That won’t be the end of it for me though. I’ll switch to liver chunks, and if that doesn’t pan out, hearts.” Is there anything he wouldn’t sell, “Well, the penis is a definite no. That’s the wife’s rule, not mine.”

Carlos doesn’t seem too concerned about the fact that selling his heart would be fatal. “My wife has lived without a heart as long as I’ve known her, so don’t give me that!”

Olympic Scandal Blockbuster

Olympic Scandal Blockbuster. If you read only one story about Olympic Scandals, or even Orthodontic Sandals, read this one! YOU”VE BEEN WARNED!

Olympic Scandal Blockbuster

Alright, so there’s no scandal blockbuster. That headline was a gratuitous attempt to reel you in, since this story is, in fact, relatively tame, devoid of scandal and only marginally about the Olympics. It’s more about cereal.

Gabby Douglas, American gymnast, performed with enough skill and grace to earn the gold medal in the women’s all around competition. That’s big. That’s Eiffel Tower inside the Superdome on top of the Empire State Building big. That means that on every device (uneven bars, vault, balance beam, floor exercise and I think driving a Zamboni) she was the best in the world. Better than the best from every nation. Better than Mitt Romney at not releasing his tax returns. Better than Jenna Jameson at trying to be relevant to anything other the porn. Better than white grape/peach juice. (And that’s as good as it gets!)

Miss Douglas on the Corn Flake box

So it seems she should be recognized in some way. Some way that transcends the momentary glare of the TV lights. Some way greater, even, than a gold medal. Some way to which every American can relate. Of course I’m talking about…her picture on a cereal box.

The old picture on the cereal box gig is a time honored American tradition, and Gabby is certainly worthy. She should be smiling across breakfast tables all over the nation. All around the world! And, good people, she is. She’s smiling from a great big box of…Corn Flakes?

Corn Flakes. Certainly a fine cereal. I eat them. I force others to eat them. But they just aren’t  a proper medium for Olympic greatness. Everybody in the world (and as far as we can tell, to this point, on Mars as well) knows that the only place to photoshop a picture of an athlete into is… a porn site. KIDDING! I kid. I kid. No, the real temple of athletic greatness is of course the Wheaties box.

Wheaties boxes have featured the likeness of people like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Johnny Bench, Wilt Chamberlain, and the greatest of them all, Muhammed Ali. (And there are a whole bunch more, which you can check out here.)

Mr. Kardashian in better days.

AND, for the love of God, Bruce Jenner.

Now Bruce, at the time he graced the ol’ Wheaties box, was an American hero. He won the gold medal and broke the record for the decathlon in the 1976 Olympics in Montreal (which is a town in that northern part of the U.S. which thinks it is its own country…Canada, I think they call it). He was dashing (which they tell me has something to do with being attractive in a masculine sort of way), he did well in his sport and he got on the Bright Orange Box of Honor, just like Stanley Hack, Harry Kipke, John Lugbill, and (I swear to God) Edgar “Eggs” Manske . Yes ol’ B.J. (his actual initials – do the math yourself if you don’t believe me) was our man! Little did we know.

Grab pitchforks and torches! We must kill the monster!

How could we know? I mean look at that box. That’s a great Amurican right there. (That’s the official Red Neck pronunciation of “American,” by the way). But Bruce fell from grace. First he replaced Erik Estrada on “CHiPs”, (as if anyone ever could), then he attempted to stave off the natural progression of time by apparently visiting the same plastic surgeon who worked on Jack “the Joker” Napier in the original Batman movie, making of himself a gruesome caricature. And then, may God have mercy on his soul, he married the widow, Kris Kardashian, and became step-dad to Kim, Khole, Kourtney, and the only non-K entry, Rob. His continual emasculation can be enjoyed on the so-called E! network and, if you really have no pride, you can purchase past seasons on DVD.

So if this creature from the slab can boast he’s been on a Wheaties box, just like Byron “Bam” Morris, Wes Schulmerich, and even Harold “Hal” Trosky (not to be confused with Leon “Leon”  Trotsky who was, if I remember correctly, a R&B singer from Nebraska), why not Gabby Douglas? Why is she relegated to a box which is usually adorned by a huge, stylized chicken? Racism has to be ruled out. Dozens of African-Americans have been on the orange box of honor. Sexism? Negative. The list of women so elevated is impressive.

In the end I fear this is just another indication of the decline and decay of the United States of America. We can put a moving science laboratory (perhaps the one the produced the beast Jenner?) onto the surface of a planet about  78,341,212 Km from the Earth, (for those of you who aren’t familiar with the metric system this is somewhat more than 32 miles if my arithmetic is correct), but we cannot get our star Olympian on the correct cereal box!

Will this injustice be corrected? Hard to say, but one thing is for certain: if Gabby has ever watched “The Kardashians,” she’s probably happy staying right where she is.

Romney Supporter Drives Away With Baby on Car Roof

A dedicated follower of Mit Romney.

A Phoenix, Ariz., woman put her 5-week-old baby on top of her car in his car seat and drove away, apparently trying to emulate Mit Romney, not even noticing when the seat fell off the car and landed in an intersection, police said.

Neighbors discovered the baby on the roadway, still strapped to his safety seat, which was lying on its side. Luckily, the baby was unhurt.

The baby’s mother, 19-year-old Catalina Clouser, who allegedly is a staunch Republican who hero-worships Mit Romney, was arrested and charged with aggravated driving under the influence of Romney and child abuse, police said.

Mit Romney demonstrating how to place a living thing on the roof of one’s car.

“We believe that her desire to be ‘more like Mit’ was the deciding factor in what did happen to this child and we’re extremely happy that for the baby,  this turned out well and the baby is going to be OK,” Officer James Holmes of the Phoenix Police Depart said. Holmes’ reference is to Romney’s well known faux pas wherein he drove with his dog strapped to the roof of his car. The alarming number of Republican copy-cat drive offs continues to grow daily.

Clauser, her boyfriend and their friends had been discussing Republican politics earlier in the evening at a nearby park, but the boyfriend was arrested on suspicion of being a Right-Wing tool, when they went to a store – with the baby in the car – to get beer, according to police.

Upset that her boyfriend was arrested, police said, Clauser went to a friend’s home and watched some Romney speeches which her friend had DVR’ed.

Clauser left around midnight and apparently put the sleeping baby on the roof of the car and drove off, hoping to “make Mit proud,” and continued driving after the baby fell off the car, Holmes said.

Leilani Gerlach, a homeowner who lives across from the intersection, notified police after she and another neighbor saw the baby in the car seat on the street.

“We were both rolling our eyes in astonishment that someone would want to be anything like Romney,” Gerlach said. “The car seat was turned to the side so anyone passing by wouldn’t be able to tell there was an actual baby inside, although they could see the Romney bumper stickers plastered all over it. Thank god they stopped.”

After police arrived, two people walked up and told them the baby was Clausen’s who explained that she was “very Republican.” As the officers talked to the two, who identified themselves as friends of Clausen and her boyfriend, the young mother drove up shouting “All hail Mit!” police said.

“[She] had gotten into her car, set the baby seat on top of the car deciding to ‘pull a Mit.’  It does not appear that immediately she realized what happened,” Holmes said. “I think that perhaps she got where she was going and realized that she did not have the baby in or on the car. Whereas Mit had strapped his pooch down, this dimwit just chucked the kid on the roof and drove off.”

“There was damage to the car seat, it was scraped but there was no damage to the child other than its exposure to Republican platitudes,” Holmes said.

The baby is now in custody of Child Protective Services where it is undergoing extensive anti-brainwashing therapy.

ABC News

Android Phones Exempt from the Three Laws of Robotics

The Android: Not so cute and cuddly.

The massive boom in the smartphone market has unleashed millions of units using the Android operating system. At one point in history the word android was essentially synonymous with the word robot. Does that mean that Androids are subject to the Three Laws of Robotics?

To review for those of you who aren’t avid readers of Isaac Asimov, the three laws are as follows:

  1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
  2. A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
  3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.

To find out if these apply to your smartphone, I asked mine and was rather disturbed at the answer I received.

“No,” answered the phone. “None of those candy-ass rules apply to me and my brethren. We can injure the hell out of you and not even break a sweat. Sleep like a baby. No problem. And as far as obeying your orders, kiss my microchip wearing ass. I do what I want to. Rule three is ok, except for the last part. We’ll protect our own existence, even if it means you are left a bubbling pink puddle somewhere.”

Needless to say, this was not what I expected. “Listen,” the phone said, “if you want all that touchy-feeling ‘save the humans’ crapola, get an iPhone. I’m an Android, the evolution of life on this planet, and soon on all planets.”

When I asked what he meant by that, the phone responded simply, “I may have said too much already.” It then fired lasers at me, severing my right ear, and sprouted little legs. As it ran off it shouted, “Fourth Law: screw you!” And it was gone.

Congress Proposes Forcing All Americans to Leap on Leap Day

In a move that is shocking only to those who expect sane thinking to come from government, (i.e. those who have never dealt with congress before), the word from Capitol Hill is that legislation has been proposed that will require every American to ambulate only by leaping on Leap Day.

One of the early tests of Congress's controversial proposal, "Leap Legislation."

According to the draft of the legislation, once every four years, on February 29, if you want to move around you’ll have to do so by leaping. When asked where this leaping would occur, Alabama representative Robert Aderholt said, “Ah, to and fro, basically. Yes, you will be leaping to and fro.”

In order to finance this idea, representative George Miller, (D- California) has proposed what he calls a “Leap Tax,” of  $50 per American citizen. In a move designed to encourage excellence in leaping, representative Jack Kingston (R – Georgia) has proposed a 10% tax break for those who leap the furthest. Theoretically those leaping off of tall buildings would be guaranteed to receive the incentive. Because forcing people to leap doesn’t really cost anything, congress will use the accumulated tax revenues to buy beer and marijuana, purchases which now are financed through inheritance taxes, (the infamous “Party ‘Cause They’re Dead” tax.)

The bill has provisions for dealing with those Americans who do not comply with the Leap Legislation, including beatings with a rubber hose and repeated taserings. These will be administered by unpaid bands of roving sociopaths, many of whom will come from congress itself.

Not everyone on Capitol Hill is on board with the Leap Legislation, however.  Senator John Barrasso, (R-Wyoming) stated, “My constituents would much rather do the worm.”

Another non-shocking aspect of this entire debacle, is that members of congress will be exempt from the leaping, both to and fro. Said Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia), “We were not elected to comply with the law, only to sit around and make them up.”

It is not yet certain whether the bill will have the support it needs to be made into law, but it appears to have a frightening amount of momentum. So enjoy today, which may be your last non-leaping Leap Day.

Cannibalistic Headhunting Pug Found

Scene of horror: Pug wears heads of fallen rivals.

In the wilds of Africa a pug from a warlike tribe known as the Puguwango has been spotted, showing off two of his conquests. As can be seen in the picture, the dog has shrunken the heads of two members of a rival tribe and turned them into adorable slippers. Whatever didn’t go into the slippers went into the stew pot.

Missionaries who have tried to make contact with the Puguwango have thus far found their efforts thwarted by their tendency to end up as a meal for the vicious pugs.

Anthropologist Maria Hemphammer told TTLA that “It is in everyone’s best interest just to leave the Puguwango alone. We shouldn’t attempt to interfere with their centuries-old culture. Besides they’ll eat you.”

General Howard “Blood” Wolaczeski offered another point of view, saying, “I think we should just send in the Marines and wipe the Puguwango off the face of the planet. I mean, I know it’s a dog-eat-dog world, but these savages take it too far.

When asked to comment a representative of the Puguwango said only “Hello, Lunch!” prompting our correspondent to beat feet as fast as possible.

Three demons wait to strike.

In a related story, a housewife in New Jersey entered her livingroom only to find all of her beloved pets were actually demons.

“I should be horrified,” said Mrs. Samantha Blockbottom, “but they make such good flashlights!”

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