Archive for the ‘ Entertainment ’ Category

Cash Cab Rules becoming more Strict: Pedestrian Killed by taxi

VANCOUVER, Canada — The production company for a TV game-show filmed inside a fake taxi offered condolences Saturday after its vehicle hit and killed a pedestrian, The Canadian Press news agency reported.”He just hit three strikes too fast. An example had to be made of him.”

Andrew Burnstein, president of Vancouver-based Castlewood Productions Inc., said the team with Discovery Channel’s “Cash Cab” sends thoughts and prayers to the 61-year-old victim from Surrey, B.C., and his family. “We’re sorry he was so dumb.”

Vancouver Police said the unidentified man died of injuries suffered when he was struck just before midnight in the Downtown Eastside. The victim’s name is not being released at the request of the family, police said. “We don’t want to be identified with the stigma.”

No charges have been filed but the incident remains under investigation. “Rules are rules,” said police.

Bailey on Stricter Rules: "Viewers want stupidity punished."

Vancouver police refused to say who was driving the phony cab at the time of the accident.

Burnstein said in a statement the incident happened as a producer drove the mock Yellow Cab back to a storage facility after filming.

Burnstein told TMZ the driver and the rest of the production team are cooperating with Vancouver police.

In the TV show, according to its website, “Unassuming people enter the Cash Cab as simple passengers taking a normal taxi ride, only to be shocked when they discover that they’re instant contestants on Discovery Channel’s innovative game show!” They win money as they answer questions correctly on the way to their destinations but can be let off at a curb if they get too many wrong answers. If they get them too quickly, they are run down and killed.

Comedian Ben Bailey is the host and driver of Cash Cab. “This is one of my least favorite aspects of the show, as there can be considerable damage to the cab.”

“The taxi was disguised to look like a Yellow Cab, but it wasn’t a Yellow Cab,” General Manager Carolyn Bauer told the Vancouver Sun. “It was for production.”

“It wasn’t one of our drivers, it wasn’t one of our taxis,” Bauer said, adding that her company provided written permission to the production company to use the Yellow Cab logo and company information on the vehicle.

“We’re not receiving any money for this,” she said. “Which is a shame, because there’s good money in hit and run.”

MSNBC

2011
07/16
CATEGORY
Entertainment
Humor
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Another Letterman Looney: Man arrested after break-in at Letterman show theater, Unaware he could obtain ticket to see show

The Ed Sullivan Theater when opened for business; Whittemore not in sight.

NEW YORK (Reuters) – A New York man was arrested on Sunday after allegedly breaking into the Ed Sullivan Theater in midtown Manhattan, where David Letterman tapes his late night talk show, police said. “Apparently he was unaware that he could actually obtain a ticket and enter the theater legally when the show was being taped.”

James Whittemore, 22, of Manhattan was arrested in the lobby of the theater, where he was trying unsuccessfully to buy some popcorn, at about 7 a.m. and charged with burglary and criminal mischief, police said. “We wanted to charge him with just being dumb as well, but apparently that’s not a crime.”

He was being held pending a court appearance later on Sunday.

Dave: "It's getting ridiculous. What's next? A guy passing bad checks with my picture on them?"

The theater, where Letterman tapes CBS’ “Late Show.” was closed at the time. Whittemore was arrested after police received a 911 call, which was placed by Letterman who was in his office at the time. “It’s happening again,” he told a 911 dispatcher. Apparently Letterman was making reference to when Margaret Mary Ray was arrested and charged several times for trespassing and stalking the talk show host starting in the late 1980s.

Police said they did not know whether Sunday’s break-in had anything to do with Letterman in particular or whether Whittemore just liked to attempt to buy popcorn in closed theaters.

In 2009 Letterman was targeted for extortion by a former employee who threatened to expose his affair with a female staff member. He informed police and the man was arrested. It has been speculated that Letterman is what is known in the police parlance as “a looney magnet,” and that he somehow attracts whackos out of the very air he breathes.

Yahoo News

2011
07/11
CATEGORY
Crime
Entertainment
Humor
1 comment

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, LINDSAY LOHAN!!

Working hard at not living to be 25.

It is with great sadness I must inform you that Lindsay Lohan has survived to become one year older today as she celebrates her 25th birthday. How this could have happened is a mystery considering the hard work she has turned in a not remaining alive. Let’s take a look at some of her efforts:

  • Falls down, drunk, while on probation, in front of a bar and several cameras.
  • Attempts to sell house arrest anklet on Craig’s List as “Genuine Rolex with Ankle.”
  • Challenges Amy Winehouse to a “Betcha I Die First” Contest.
  • Remakes “Love Bug” movie with nothing but “Buzzed driving” scenes
  • Remakes “Mean Girls” with all revenge scenes consisting of vomiting on the “Plastics.”
  • Explains her name’s appearance in ancient Egyptian hieroglyphs by saying, “The Lohan Has Always Been.”

Local police are celebrating Lohan’s birthday by clearing out the drunk tank and sending all the amateur drunkards home.

Lohan's rival in the "Who Dies First?" Sweepstakes, Amy Winehouse.

Lohan’s rival for “Who Dies First” honors, Amy Winehouse, issued the following statement: “It is my sincere hope that Lindsay enjoys a nice, safe, quiet birthday, and that she manages to stay out of trouble and out of the public eye. She needs, at this important time in her life, to remember the terms of her probation and to exert some control over her actions.” Winehouse managed to keep a straight face for exactly one second then said, “No I don’t bloody care what she does. The worse the better as far as I’m concerned. Keeps the heat off me, and that’s a good thing.”

TTLA attempted to reach Lohan for a statement on her birthday plans, but we called at 6:30 am, and were apparently too late, as she’d obviously already begun partying.

“I’m nonga party tell I puge, then I’m nonga puge some nore, then I’m nonga party some…BRLATTT!” Her huge vomit splatter in mid sentence seemed to indicate that the celebration was well underway.

We here at TTLA which Lindsay the warmest of birthdays, and ask that she cleans up after herself.

2011
07/02
CATEGORY
Entertainment
Humor
1 comment

Discovery Channel Announces Justin Bieber to be part of Shark Week

Hoping to cash in on the immense popularity of the Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week,” Justin Bieber’s agent has brokered a deal which will get the young “pop star” a prominent role in this year’s edition. “We’re extremely excited,” said Doug McCanada. “Justin is a huge shark week fan and the chance to be involved is almost more than we can ask for.”

Concept art for "Celebrity Shark Bait."

Asked in what capacity Bieber would be involved, network executives released this concept art from a proposed show to be called “Celebrity Shark Bait.”

“Justin’s role will be brief but very significant. He would be in our inaugural episode of ‘CSB’ and would set the tone for all those that follow,” said Dash Desperado, Discovery’s Director of Show Development.

Although the concept art gives a pretty decent idea of what the channel has planned, TTLA reporters pressed for more details. “After spicing the waters with chum to get the sharks really worked up, Justin will have several nasty cuts made on his arms and legs and then he will be thrown overboard. Within moments the sharks will completely devour him, whipping themselves into a full blown feeding frenzy. It’s good TV.”

Asked who else might appear on “Celebrity Shark Bait,” Mr. Desperado said, “We are in negotiations with Britney Spears, Paris Hilton, Nicole Ritchie, Kim Kardashian and Sarah Palin. We’re pretty solid with Palin. She doesn’t seem to quite get the concept. All she keeps saying is ‘I can see sharks from my house.’”

We called the Biebs for a comment and he told us, “I think this appearance will be very good for my career. A lot of people who don’t yet listen to my beautiful music watch Shark Week, and they will likely be persuaded to buy the first CD I release after the show airs.”

“Justin doesn’t really get it either,” said Dirk Desperado.

2011
06/09
CATEGORY
Entertainment
Humor
Science
3 comments

Alex Trebek denies being a Butthole Surfer

The Butthole Surfers sans Trebek

The host of TV’s Jeopardy, Alex Trebek, today denied reports that he was one of the original member of the ’80′s punk band, The Butthole Surfers. “I never played with the Surfers, although I respect them greatly. I still sing ‘Lady Sniff,’ every time I get into the shower.” He says his decision not to join the band was based both on his feeling that the band was tight enough already and his career as a game show host.

“I did, however, sit in with the Sex Pistols for a brief time right before Sid joined the combo. I suggested the title ‘Anarchy in the “U.K.”‘ with the UK in quotation marks, which we all know means those letters would appear in all the correct answers.”

Alex singing "God Save The Queen," by the Sex Pistols

Trebek also turned down invitations from The Dead Kennedys, The Clash, and Black Flag. “I’m not really sure why so many punk bands were vying for my services back then. To be honest I was always more of a Guy Lombardo kind of dude, although I do love to kick out a good jam from time to time.”

More recently Trebek has turned down offers from Blink 182, Matchbox 20 and Maroon 5. “Now it’s the number bands. Then it was punk, now it’s number. I don’t get it. But I’m really not interested. I’ve got this sweet Jeopardy gig going, and I’m taking a class in ‘Interacting With Contestants,’ to try to improve those horrid interviews I do in the middle of the Jeopardy round. There’s just no time to join a band.”

Asked about the chance he may do so in the future, Trebek did not rule out the possibility. I’ve been talking with Johnny Rotten from time to time, and Gibby Haynes of the Surfers and I still chat. Should punk make some kind of comeback, or should a punk/Guy Lombardo hybrid be developed, I could see it happening.”

As the TTLA team prepared to leave Trebek held up two fingers and said, “Peace out, bros.” And then he was gone.

2011
06/07
CATEGORY
Entertainment
Humor
2 comments

New Manilow album inspired by Britney Spears; You Won’t Believe The Title

Grinning Manilow thanks Britney for the inspiration and the vag shots.

Barry Manilow, whose best days are light-years behind him, has based his new album on Britney Spears. “No Brained Whore” will be released June 14.

“The thing we started to think about was when Britney Spears was being hounded by the paparazzi,” Manilow tells the L.A. Times of his concept for the album. “They were driving her crazy. She couldn’t have a life without them pulling up next to her car and she had to flash her vag, that was around the time she shaved off her hair. I think they actually helped to drive her crazy. We all looked at it and said ‘Wow, what a whore!’ So it seemed like a thing to be writing an album about.”

How could this fail to inspire?

“What I saw was a lot of young people becoming famous very quickly, overnight,” he says. “None of them had the least bit of talent. And I remember when I got hit with it, with ‘Mandy,’ that I was an immensely talented adult. And yet when ‘Mandy’ hit, it knocked me for a loop. It turned me into a person I didn’t like. I even considered shaving my hair off and flashing my vag, until I remembered that I didn’t have one. But never, even on my worst day, did I plummet to the level Britney hit. I mean, take a look at her!”

Manilow hinted that his next album might be inspired by Jessica Simpson. It’s tentatively titled  “Even Stupider!”

CNN

2011
06/06
CATEGORY
Entertainment
Humor
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Jenna Elfman Admits to Steroid Use On Twitter

The Elfman tweet which started the ontroversy.

Actress Jenna Elfman admitted to her fans on Twitter that she has used steroids “for years.” Hard to believe? Well let’s examine the evidence. First the tweet itself. In it she clearly states that she uses the product every day and has done so for years. She provided a link to the product, which is, shockingly, available on Amazon.com.

Innocent looking packaging deceives public!

The product, known as “Juice Plus,” comes in two varieties, Orchard and Garden Blend. It’s product description gives this, obviously fraudulent information:

Juice Plus is the simple, convenient, and inexpensive way to add more nutrition from fruits and vegetables to your diet, every day. Juice Plus provides nutrition from 17 different fruits, vegetables, and grains. This provides you with a wide range of nutritional benefits.

How then, does Things To Laugh About substantiate the claim that these are actually steroids? Two words: Jose Canseco.

"Juiced?" "Juice Plus?" Just a coincidence?

Canseco, a notorious steroid user, wrote an infamous, tell-all book named…wait for it…JUICED! Coincidence? Things To Laugh About does not think so.

Elfman’s admission explains many things, including her incredible bod, and the 84 home runs she hit last season. When reached for comment, Jenna was benching 2000 pounds with one hand and sending tweets with the other. “No, it’s just a dietary supplement,” she said. Yeah, right Jenna. Wink wink.

(Just kiddin’! We love you, Jenna!)

2011
06/03
CATEGORY
Entertainment
Humor
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New Findings In Pyramid Amaze The World, Advertise Egyptian Fast Food

Scientists decide where to eat lunch by reading ancient ads on tunnel walls

A robot explorer recently discovered ancient markings at the Great Pyramid of Giza in Egypt. The robotic device found the markings inside a secret chamber inaccessible to humans–and then proceeded to film the painted hieroglyphics and stone markings, which hadn’t been seen by human eyes in 4,500 years, via a small robotic camera that was fit through a tiny hole in a stone wall.

Archaeologist were stunned upon translating the hieroglyphics, all of which appeared to be ads for a diner named “Peshwah’s Greasy Papyrus,” an “Enterprise Rent-A-Camel,” and two blogs, “Craig Hart Online” and “Things To Laugh About.”

“We were really amazed at the plugs for the diner and the camel renting place,” said Zazar al Zazarazaz, (who is, coincidentally, the last person listed under Archaeologists in the Yellow Pages), “but to see advertisements for web sites painted almost 5000 years before the invention of the computer has really got us stumped!”

Various theories are being put forward for this anachronistic anomaly, including the clairvoyance of ancient Egyptian magicians, the intervention of extraterrestrial blog aficionados, and vandalism by the administrators of the two web sites mentioned.

Meanwhile, other technologically enhanced discovery expeditions have turned up other fascinating new information about the pyramids in recent days. Archaeologists from the United States (with some help from the BBC) used satellite imagery to discover 17 pyramids beneath the sand and silt in Egypt. An article from Canada’s CBC explains that 1,000 tombs and around 3,000 other buildings were also discovered thanks to the technology.

Often mentioned in ancient hieroglyphs

Even more amazing is that at least 2,350 of these newly discovered buildings have hieroglyphics that specifically mention Lindsay Lohan. Not even the intervention of extraterrestrials can really explain this. “You would have to believe than anyone with the technology to visit another planet, impart great knowledge on a primitive people, and sway the course of an entire civilization would have enough sense not to mention a train wreck like Lindsay Lohan,” Zazarazaz said.

Equally revealing, in Zazarazaz’s opinion, “is that in the thousands of time-defying discoveries that we have made, there is not one mention of Justin Bieber. After all the Lohan blathering the silence viz the Biebs is deafening.”

American authority on ancient Egypt, Dr. Thomas vander Drab, is highly skeptical about the new findings. “The thing I find most disturbing about the reports coming out of Giza is that among all the mention of American web sites and celebrities, we would find the acknowledgment of some piss-ant Egyptian diner. ‘Peshwan’s Greasy Papyrus?’ Come on! Who gives a shit!” When asked about the references to Lohan, vander Drab said, “Oh, I have no problem with that.”

Clearly there is much to be worked out as reams of new data come pouring in from the site, and it is possible that the entire field of Egyptology may need to be reevaluated in the months and years to come.

The Upshot

2011
06/02
CATEGORY
Entertainment
Humor
Science
World News
7 comments

Kim Kardashian Not Pregnant; Also Has No Talent Celeb Admits

Kardashian: Not Preggers, No Talent

Kim Kardashian is not pregnant. “This is crazy!” she wrote on her official blog, referring to OK! Magazine’s cover story that the newly engaged star was “having a baby.”

“I also have no talent, no personality and frankly no reason for existing. Truth be told, I’m extremely sick of myself,” Kardashian said. “As a matter of fact I actually suck talent from people who I am near.” This is bad news for fiance, Kris Humphries. The New Jersey Nets forward, whose lifetime 5.6 point per game is pretty pathetic already. Should Kardashian’s “black hole effect” cause this to drop further it’s doubtful that Humphries will be in the NBA much longer.

Humphries’ agent, Mos Sharkington, has expressed some concern over his client’s romance with the  epically useless reality TV star. “Let’s face it,” said Sharkington, “there are a lot of nice racks out there, and some pretty fine booties too. I would have been happier if Kris had found a pair attached to someone a little less toxic to a career involving actual skills. My man’s on the bubble already, and if he get’s cut he’s still got to pay for that thirty-pound diamond ring.” Sharkington was referring to the 20.5 carat diamond that Humphries put on Kardashian’s finger, famously saying, “There, everything on you is still big.”

Even Humphries' mondo gorilla hand does not obscure Kardian's "assets"

Despite her family’s enthusiasm for her upcoming nuptials, Kim’s brother Rob isn’t so sure his sister will really make it down the aisle. “I just don’t feel confident because Kim’s been so — she’s how old? And she’s just been through a lot of relationships and she just always gets hurt, or never finds the right dude or she sucks out every bit of what makes him decent and leaves him a hollow shell of a human…much like herself.”

Kardashian quickly followed her initial comment with, “But let’s not lose touch with the important fact here. I’m not pregnant, which means this bitchin’ bod will not be destroyed by Kris’s demon spawn.” Humphries looked on with a confused expression, apparently finding her statement a little off-kilter. It was at that point that he noticed Satan standing in the background holding a signed contract which finally explained Kardashian’s fame once and for all.

OMG

2011
06/01
CATEGORY
Entertainment
Sports
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Snooki In Fender-bender while in Italy, sadly she is unhurt

Police Miss Opportunity To Eradicate Snooki

Yesterday, “Jersey Shore” castmate Nicole ‘Snooki’ Polizzi was involved in a fender bender with a police car in Florence, Italy where the cast is currently filming their fourth season.

Snooki was driving a Fiat Multipia with Deena in the passenger side when she rammed into the side of a  police car who was escorting them around Florence.

The rush hour impact forced her into a concrete road barrier. The two police officers were taken to an Italian hospital for minor cuts and bruises. Both were then immediately dismissed from the police force for letting Snooki survive the episode. Police spokesman Vittotio Alcantragliano said, “This is a sad day in the annals of the Florence police department when two of our officers get t-boned by the very individual they were assigned to eliminate. The shame that “Jersey Shore” has brought to all of Italy and to Italians through out the world must be avenged. These officers were obviously not up to the task.”

Snooki was driving without a license and was taken to the police station to be questioned by Italian police. She was later released. The officers who released her have also been fired. “I am ashamed of the missed opportunities,” said Alcantragliano.

In a related story, lawyers in the U.S. are filing a class action suit against fans of the show “Jersey Shore” for watching this crap and allowing a fourth season to occur.

Global Grind

2011
05/31
CATEGORY
Entertainment
1 comment

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