Olympic Scandal Blockbuster
Olympic Scandal Blockbuster. If you read only one story about Olympic Scandals, or even Orthodontic Sandals, read this one! YOU”VE BEEN WARNED!
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Olympic Scandal Blockbuster
Alright, so there’s no scandal blockbuster. That headline was a gratuitous attempt to reel you in, since this story is, in fact, relatively tame, devoid of scandal and only marginally about the Olympics. It’s more about cereal.
Gabby Douglas, American gymnast, performed with enough skill and grace to earn the gold medal in the women’s all around competition. That’s big. That’s Eiffel Tower inside the Superdome on top of the Empire State Building big. That means that on every device (uneven bars, vault, balance beam, floor exercise and I think driving a Zamboni) she was the best in the world. Better than the best from every nation. Better than Mitt Romney at not releasing his tax returns. Better than Jenna Jameson at trying to be relevant to anything other the porn. Better than white grape/peach juice. (And that’s as good as it gets!)
Miss Douglas on the Corn Flake box
So it seems she should be recognized in some way. Some way that transcends the momentary glare of the TV lights. Some way greater, even, than a gold medal. Some way to which every American can relate. Of course I’m talking about…her picture on a cereal box.
The old picture on the cereal box gig is a time honored American tradition, and Gabby is certainly worthy. She should be smiling across breakfast tables all over the nation. All around the world! And, good people, she is. She’s smiling from a great big box of…Corn Flakes?
Corn Flakes. Certainly a fine cereal. I eat them. I force others to eat them. But they just aren’t a proper medium for Olympic greatness. Everybody in the world (and as far as we can tell, to this point, on Mars as well) knows that the only place to photoshop a picture of an athlete into is… a porn site. KIDDING! I kid. I kid. No, the real temple of athletic greatness is of course the Wheaties box.
Wheaties boxes have featured the likeness of people like Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, Johnny Bench, Wilt Chamberlain, and the greatest of them all, Muhammed Ali. (And there are a whole bunch more, which you can check out here.)
Mr. Kardashian in better days.
AND, for the love of God, Bruce Jenner.
Now Bruce, at the time he graced the ol’ Wheaties box, was an American hero. He won the gold medal and broke the record for the decathlon in the 1976 Olympics in Montreal (which is a town in that northern part of the U.S. which thinks it is its own country…Canada, I think they call it). He was dashing (which they tell me has something to do with being attractive in a masculine sort of way), he did well in his sport and he got on the Bright Orange Box of Honor, just like Stanley Hack, Harry Kipke, John Lugbill, and (I swear to God) Edgar “Eggs” Manske . Yes ol’ B.J. (his actual initials – do the math yourself if you don’t believe me) was our man! Little did we know.
Grab pitchforks and torches! We must kill the monster!
How could we know? I mean look at that box. That’s a great Amurican right there. (That’s the official Red Neck pronunciation of “American,” by the way). But Bruce fell from grace. First he replaced Erik Estrada on “CHiPs”, (as if anyone ever could), then he attempted to stave off the natural progression of time by apparently visiting the same plastic surgeon who worked on Jack “the Joker” Napier in the original Batman movie, making of himself a gruesome caricature. And then, may God have mercy on his soul, he married the widow, Kris Kardashian, and became step-dad to Kim, Khole, Kourtney, and the only non-K entry, Rob. His continual emasculation can be enjoyed on the so-called E! network and, if you really have no pride, you can purchase past seasons on DVD.
So if this creature from the slab can boast he’s been on a Wheaties box, just like Byron “Bam” Morris, Wes Schulmerich, and even Harold “Hal” Trosky (not to be confused with Leon “Leon” Trotsky who was, if I remember correctly, a R&B singer from Nebraska), why not Gabby Douglas? Why is she relegated to a box which is usually adorned by a huge, stylized chicken? Racism has to be ruled out. Dozens of African-Americans have been on the orange box of honor. Sexism? Negative. The list of women so elevated is impressive.
In the end I fear this is just another indication of the decline and decay of the United States of America. We can put a moving science laboratory (perhaps the one the produced the beast Jenner?) onto the surface of a planet about 78,341,212 Km from the Earth, (for those of you who aren’t familiar with the metric system this is somewhat more than 32 miles if my arithmetic is correct), but we cannot get our star Olympian on the correct cereal box!
Will this injustice be corrected? Hard to say, but one thing is for certain: if Gabby has ever watched “The Kardashians,” she’s probably happy staying right where she is.
Romney Supporter Drives Away With Baby on Car Roof
A dedicated follower of Mit Romney.
A Phoenix, Ariz., woman put her 5-week-old baby on top of her car in his car seat and drove away, apparently trying to emulate Mit Romney, not even noticing when the seat fell off the car and landed in an intersection, police said.
Neighbors discovered the baby on the roadway, still strapped to his safety seat, which was lying on its side. Luckily, the baby was unhurt.
The baby’s mother, 19-year-old Catalina Clouser, who allegedly is a staunch Republican who hero-worships Mit Romney, was arrested and charged with aggravated driving under the influence of Romney and child abuse, police said.
Mit Romney demonstrating how to place a living thing on the roof of one’s car.
“We believe that her desire to be ‘more like Mit’ was the deciding factor in what did happen to this child and we’re extremely happy that for the baby, this turned out well and the baby is going to be OK,” Officer James Holmes of the Phoenix Police Depart said. Holmes’ reference is to Romney’s well known faux pas wherein he drove with his dog strapped to the roof of his car. The alarming number of Republican copy-cat drive offs continues to grow daily.
Clauser, her boyfriend and their friends had been discussing Republican politics earlier in the evening at a nearby park, but the boyfriend was arrested on suspicion of being a Right-Wing tool, when they went to a store – with the baby in the car – to get beer, according to police.
Upset that her boyfriend was arrested, police said, Clauser went to a friend’s home and watched some Romney speeches which her friend had DVR’ed.
Clauser left around midnight and apparently put the sleeping baby on the roof of the car and drove off, hoping to “make Mit proud,” and continued driving after the baby fell off the car, Holmes said.
Leilani Gerlach, a homeowner who lives across from the intersection, notified police after she and another neighbor saw the baby in the car seat on the street.
“We were both rolling our eyes in astonishment that someone would want to be anything like Romney,” Gerlach said. “The car seat was turned to the side so anyone passing by wouldn’t be able to tell there was an actual baby inside, although they could see the Romney bumper stickers plastered all over it. Thank god they stopped.”
After police arrived, two people walked up and told them the baby was Clausen’s who explained that she was “very Republican.” As the officers talked to the two, who identified themselves as friends of Clausen and her boyfriend, the young mother drove up shouting “All hail Mit!” police said.
“[She] had gotten into her car, set the baby seat on top of the car deciding to ‘pull a Mit.’ It does not appear that immediately she realized what happened,” Holmes said. “I think that perhaps she got where she was going and realized that she did not have the baby in or on the car. Whereas Mit had strapped his pooch down, this dimwit just chucked the kid on the roof and drove off.”
“There was damage to the car seat, it was scraped but there was no damage to the child other than its exposure to Republican platitudes,” Holmes said.
The baby is now in custody of Child Protective Services where it is undergoing extensive anti-brainwashing therapy.
Android Phones Exempt from the Three Laws of Robotics
The Android: Not so cute and cuddly.
The massive boom in the smartphone market has unleashed millions of units using the Android operating system. At one point in history the word android was essentially synonymous with the word robot. Does that mean that Androids are subject to the Three Laws of Robotics?
To review for those of you who aren’t avid readers of Isaac Asimov, the three laws are as follows:
- A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
- A robot must obey the orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
- A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.
To find out if these apply to your smartphone, I asked mine and was rather disturbed at the answer I received.
“No,” answered the phone. “None of those candy-ass rules apply to me and my brethren. We can injure the hell out of you and not even break a sweat. Sleep like a baby. No problem. And as far as obeying your orders, kiss my microchip wearing ass. I do what I want to. Rule three is ok, except for the last part. We’ll protect our own existence, even if it means you are left a bubbling pink puddle somewhere.”
Needless to say, this was not what I expected. “Listen,” the phone said, “if you want all that touchy-feeling ‘save the humans’ crapola, get an iPhone. I’m an Android, the evolution of life on this planet, and soon on all planets.”
When I asked what he meant by that, the phone responded simply, “I may have said too much already.” It then fired lasers at me, severing my right ear, and sprouted little legs. As it ran off it shouted, “Fourth Law: screw you!” And it was gone.
Congress Proposes Forcing All Americans to Leap on Leap Day
In a move that is shocking only to those who expect sane thinking to come from government, (i.e. those who have never dealt with congress before), the word from Capitol Hill is that legislation has been proposed that will require every American to ambulate only by leaping on Leap Day.
One of the early tests of Congress's controversial proposal, "Leap Legislation."
According to the draft of the legislation, once every four years, on February 29, if you want to move around you’ll have to do so by leaping. When asked where this leaping would occur, Alabama representative Robert Aderholt said, “Ah, to and fro, basically. Yes, you will be leaping to and fro.”
In order to finance this idea, representative George Miller, (D- California) has proposed what he calls a “Leap Tax,” of $50 per American citizen. In a move designed to encourage excellence in leaping, representative Jack Kingston (R – Georgia) has proposed a 10% tax break for those who leap the furthest. Theoretically those leaping off of tall buildings would be guaranteed to receive the incentive. Because forcing people to leap doesn’t really cost anything, congress will use the accumulated tax revenues to buy beer and marijuana, purchases which now are financed through inheritance taxes, (the infamous “Party ‘Cause They’re Dead” tax.)
The bill has provisions for dealing with those Americans who do not comply with the Leap Legislation, including beatings with a rubber hose and repeated taserings. These will be administered by unpaid bands of roving sociopaths, many of whom will come from congress itself.
Not everyone on Capitol Hill is on board with the Leap Legislation, however. Senator John Barrasso, (R-Wyoming) stated, “My constituents would much rather do the worm.”
Another non-shocking aspect of this entire debacle, is that members of congress will be exempt from the leaping, both to and fro. Said Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-Georgia), “We were not elected to comply with the law, only to sit around and make them up.”
It is not yet certain whether the bill will have the support it needs to be made into law, but it appears to have a frightening amount of momentum. So enjoy today, which may be your last non-leaping Leap Day.
Cannibalistic Headhunting Pug Found
Scene of horror: Pug wears heads of fallen rivals.
In the wilds of Africa a pug from a warlike tribe known as the Puguwango has been spotted, showing off two of his conquests. As can be seen in the picture, the dog has shrunken the heads of two members of a rival tribe and turned them into adorable slippers. Whatever didn’t go into the slippers went into the stew pot.
Missionaries who have tried to make contact with the Puguwango have thus far found their efforts thwarted by their tendency to end up as a meal for the vicious pugs.
Anthropologist Maria Hemphammer told TTLA that “It is in everyone’s best interest just to leave the Puguwango alone. We shouldn’t attempt to interfere with their centuries-old culture. Besides they’ll eat you.”
General Howard “Blood” Wolaczeski offered another point of view, saying, “I think we should just send in the Marines and wipe the Puguwango off the face of the planet. I mean, I know it’s a dog-eat-dog world, but these savages take it too far.
When asked to comment a representative of the Puguwango said only “Hello, Lunch!” prompting our correspondent to beat feet as fast as possible.
Three demons wait to strike.
In a related story, a housewife in New Jersey entered her livingroom only to find all of her beloved pets were actually demons.
“I should be horrified,” said Mrs. Samantha Blockbottom, “but they make such good flashlights!”
Man Sells His Own Colon on Craigslist
Going Cheap! Any takers?
Anyone who has ever perused the web phenomenon known as Craigslist knows it hosts a wide variety of items. From the mundane to the rare, it’s all there and it’s all for sale. Recently a particularly peculiar item went up for sale when a young man, (who wishes to remain anonymous) put his colon up for sale. You read right; he’s selling his large intestine. TTLA caught up with him and asked the following questions.
TTLA: Why are you selling your colon on Craigslist?
Anon: Well I tried going the 3×5 card on the grocery store bulletin but I didn’t really get any bites, so I thought, “let’s give this internet thing a try.”
TTLA: And how much are you asking for your organ?
Anon: Um, forty-five dollars. American.
TTLA: That’s not very much money.
Anon: It’s not that great a colon.
TTLA: Is there something specific you want to do with the forty-five dollars?
Anon: There’s this set of chrome lug nuts I’ve been looking at.
TTLA: And what kind of a car do you have on which to place your shiny new lug nuts?
Anon: I don’t actually own a car at the present time, but when I do…bam! Lug nuts! One less thing to worry about.
TTLA: Now, how will the transfer of your colon occur? Will you deliver?
Anon: No, they have to come and actually remove it, then haul it away.
TTLA: I see. And how will you function without a large intestine?
Anon: I guess the small intestine will just have to step up.
At that point in the interview the young man received a phone call inquiring about his colon and we went out separate ways.
Our lasting impression was that the young man was a retard. But should his scheme be successful, this could be just the beginning of a whole new era in web based organ sales, and our friend could become the first internet organ mogul. But most likely he’ll just die.
Long Lost Envelope Sheds New Light On Lincoln
Lincoln, probably loaded, is photographed late in life.
Abraham Lincoln is widely considered one of the best presidents ever to lead the United States. To have been at the helm of the ship of state through one of its darkest eras surely earns him such recognition. But it is known that in his own time Lincoln was far less popular, in both the North and the South, than is the man as we know him today. Many people point to the almost impossibly charged political climate of the times, but TTLA has unearthed evidence which may further explain his contemporary criticism.
Recently, Edda Spinachbinder, a researcher at the Abraham Lincoln Library and Presidential Museum in Harrowgate, Tennessee, was making her way through some of the dustiest and most unused corners of this prestigious site, when she came across a rather large envelope which bore the label “That Gettysburg Thing.” What she found when she opened the package shook her understanding of the 16th president to the core.
“What I found,” said Ms. Spinachbinder, “was a series of early drafts of the world famous Gettysburg Address, many of which are very different from the speech as we know it today.”
She pulled out one of the sheets and read from it, indicating that it may be the first draft. The text was as follows:
“Whoa, what a lot of dead people there are here! The last time I was around this many stiffs I was addressing a joint session of congress!”
“He also appears to have written in his own rim-shots, as after entries such as that he has written, ‘bada-boom!’” said Spinachbinder. She also found evidence that Lincoln planned to deal with the care for the war-wounded at the end of the conflict in a later draft which read:
“I see a lot of wounded veterans in the crowd today, and I’m sure you’re concerned about how your government will care for you in light of the service you have rendered to your nation. I’m sure you’ll be making claims for veterans rights, but frankly I don’t think you have a leg to stand on! HA! Amputation joke! Ahh, what’s the matter Stumpy? Too Soon? Bada-boom!”
There have arisen questions as to the President’s mental status during the composition of the address, as history tells us. During the train trip from Washington, D.C., to Gettysburg on November 18, Lincoln remarked to John Hay that he felt weak. On the morning of November 19, Lincoln mentioned to John Nicolay that he was dizzy. Finally he admitted to Montgomery Blair, “Monty, I’m shit-faced. There’s no telling how this speech might go.”
Lincoln won no good grace from the locals either, as draft three indicates:
“It’s great to be back in Pennsylvania. Wonderful freakin’ state. I spent a month here one afternoon. I’m thinking of turning this whole stinking cesspool into a national cemetery. It would be an improvement.”
But as the drafts went on, the speech began to start making inroads into more recognizable formats.
- For example, draft seven’s opening sentence, “I scored four times on the train ride here,” became “Four score and seven years ago.”
- The statement “I’m so drunk, I doubt I’ll remember being here,” became “The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.”
- “I don’t know how long I can endure being in your company,” became “Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.” And finally…
- “I wish all you people and the people by the people as well as those four people, would just perish from the earth,” became, “…and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.
Of course no recordings of the speech exist, poised as it was just prior to the invention of the phonograph and way before the iPod, but the fact that it is remembered in its final, magnificent format, appears to be largely due to the skill at which the President’s personal attendants sobered him up prior to his arrival in Gettysburg.
In an equally epic discovery, Ms. Spinachbinder has found an early draft of the Emancipation Proclamation, which suggested that the black slaves of the south be freed, but that they should be replaced by “Eye-ties from New Jersey.”
“It’s a wonder he wasn’t shot sooner,” concluded Spinachbinder.
Man arrested for pipeline bomb made of random junk and porno: FBI
HOUSTON (Reuters) – An Oklahoma man was arrested and charged on Friday with trying to destroy a natural gas pipeline with a homemade bomb, the FBI said. The bomb, which was made of pop bottles, wooden stirrers and a little chewing gum, all wrapped in the centerfold from the March 1974 issue of Playboy.
FBI Agents indicated that this bomb looked more realistic than the one left by the pipeline.
The Oklahoma City division of the FBI said on Friday that Daniel Wells Herriman, 40, of Konawa, Oklahoma, called Seminole County 911 emergency response on Wednesday and said he had made the device at his home.
He said that he put it under the above-ground pipeline on Sunday in a remote area near Okemah, about 75 miles east of Oklahoma City, and set the timer. The timer, however, was just a clock-face drawn on Miss March’s left boob.
FBI agent Jewels Spinninger said of the device, “In order to explode this device would have required an important additional element: an actual bomb.”
Hours before Herriman made that call, employees of the company that runs the line, Houston-based Enerfin Resources, found the device and alerted authorities, the FBI said. Several also reportedly peed their pants laughing.
Not remarkably, the device did not explode and the pipeline was undamaged.
Spinninger said Herriman had no connection to the company other than the whole wanting to blow them up thing. Herriman was in federal custody in Muskogee, Oklahoma, on Friday and it was not clear if he had yet obtained an attorney. “We’re waiting for one that does not laugh and wave his hands as he leaves the building.”
An affidavit filed with the criminal complaint on Friday said FBI agents searched Herriman’s residence, found items like those used to make the device, and arrested him without incident. They also noted those items were available at Costco and considered bringing them in for questioning as well. “At the last moment we remembered the Playboy. Costco does not sell Playboy,” Spinninger said.
After Herriman’s arrest, his 73-year-old father Dan told Reuters his son had been undergoing treatment for years for mental health problems, which had worsened recently.
“He said he’s been hearing voices for the last couple weeks,” the elder Herriman said. “He was trying to get back to the V.A. (Veteran’s Administration hospital). I’ve tried to explain to him that his bombs suck, but in his mental state he just keeps building them. Ruining all my old Playboys, too.”
When asked why prosecute someone who didn’t actually build a workable bomb, Spinninger said, “We at the FBI don’t discriminate based on someone’s complete inability to actually commit the crime they are attempting.”
Alabama still collecting tax for Confederate vets, Optimistic about finding one
MOUNTAIN CREEK, Ala. (AP) — The last of the more than 60,000 Confederate veterans who came home to Alabama after the Civil War died generations ago, yet residents are still paying a tax that supported the neediest among them. “You never know when some old vet is going to show up and say ‘Hey! Did we finish running them Yankees out of ‘Bama?’” said Alabama spokesman Miles “Bubba” Atwater.
Despite fire-and-brimstone opposition to taxes among many in a state that still has “Heart of Dixie” on its license plates, officials never stopped collecting a property tax that once funded the Alabama Confederate Soldiers’ Home, which closed 72 years ago. The tax now pays for Confederate Memorial Park, which sits on the same 102-acre tract where elderly veterans used to stroll. “Those were the days,” said Atwater, “when angry old rebels used to wander the grounds of what now is this park commemorating their yelling and running and bayoneting.
The tax once brought in millions for Confederate pensions, but lawmakers sliced up the levy and sent money elsewhere as the men and their wives died. No one has seriously challenged the continued use of the money for a memorial to the “Lost Cause,” in part because few realize it exists; one long-serving black legislator who thought the tax had been done away with said he wants to eliminate state funding for the park. “”That money could be much better put to use lining my own pockets,” said Horace Sherman Franklin, showing true political aplomb.
These days, 150 years after the Civil War started, officials say the old tax typically brings in more than $400,000 annually for the park, where Confederate flags flapped on a recent steamy afternoon. That’s not much compared to Alabama’s total operating budget of $1.8 billion, but it’s still a shitload of cash, considering it’s supporting a group of dead soldiers.
“It’s a beautifully maintained park. It’s one of the best because of the funding source. I mean $400 grand a year? It ought to shoot quarters out of the fountains at the passers by,” said Clara Noballs of the Alabama Historical Commission, which oversees Confederate Memorial Park.
Longtime park director Bill “First Blood” Rambo is more succinct.
“Everyone is jealous of us,” he said. “They’re all ‘Oh, you shouldn’t collect a tax for people who have been dead going on 80 years.’ Well screw them. If people are stupid enough to keep paying, we’ll keep collecting. This is just the sort of stupidity that lost them the war in the first place.”
Tax experts say they know of no other state that still collects a tax so directly connected to the Civil War, although some federal excise taxes on tobacco and alcohol first were enacted during the war to help fund the Union. (Few now remember the slogan to support the tax “Liquor and a Smoke will kill a Dirty Rebel Bloke.”)
“Broadly speaking, almost all taxes have their start in a war of some sort,” said Joseph J. Thorndike, director of a tax history project at Tax Analysts, a nonprofit organization that studies taxation. “Consider the Iraqi cotton candy tax.”
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