Cannibalistic Headhunting Pug Found

Scene of horror: Pug wears heads of fallen rivals.

In the wilds of Africa a pug from a warlike tribe known as the Puguwango has been spotted, showing off two of his conquests. As can be seen in the picture, the dog has shrunken the heads of two members of a rival tribe and turned them into adorable slippers. Whatever didn’t go into the slippers went into the stew pot.

Missionaries who have tried to make contact with the Puguwango have thus far found their efforts thwarted by their tendency to end up as a meal for the vicious pugs.

Anthropologist Maria Hemphammer told TTLA that “It is in everyone’s best interest just to leave the Puguwango alone. We shouldn’t attempt to interfere with their centuries-old culture. Besides they’ll eat you.”

General Howard “Blood” Wolaczeski offered another point of view, saying, “I think we should just send in the Marines and wipe the Puguwango off the face of the planet. I mean, I know it’s a dog-eat-dog world, but these savages take it too far.

When asked to comment a representative of the Puguwango said only “Hello, Lunch!” prompting our correspondent to beat feet as fast as possible.

Three demons wait to strike.

In a related story, a housewife in New Jersey entered her livingroom only to find all of her beloved pets were actually demons.

“I should be horrified,” said Mrs. Samantha Blockbottom, “but they make such good flashlights!”

Man Sells His Own Colon on Craigslist

Going Cheap! Any takers?

Anyone who has ever perused the web phenomenon known as Craigslist knows it hosts a wide variety of items.  From the mundane to the rare, it’s all there and it’s all for sale. Recently a particularly peculiar item went up for sale when a young man, (who wishes to remain anonymous) put his colon up for sale. You read right; he’s selling his large intestine. TTLA caught up with him and asked the following questions.

TTLA: Why are you selling your colon on Craigslist?

Anon: Well I tried going the 3×5 card on the grocery store bulletin but I didn’t really get any bites, so I thought, “let’s give this internet thing a try.”

TTLA: And how much are you asking for your organ?

Anon: Um, forty-five dollars. American.

TTLA: That’s not very much money.

Anon: It’s not that great a colon.

TTLA: Is there something specific you want to do with the forty-five dollars?

Anon: There’s this set of chrome lug nuts I’ve been looking at.

TTLA: And what kind of a car do you have on which to place your shiny new lug nuts?

Anon: I don’t actually own a car at the present time, but when I do…bam! Lug nuts! One less thing to worry about.

TTLA: Now, how will the transfer of your colon occur? Will you deliver?

Anon: No, they have to come and actually remove it, then haul it away.

TTLA: I see. And how will you function without a large intestine?

Anon: I guess the small intestine will just have to step up.

At that point in the interview the young man received a phone call inquiring about his colon and we went out separate ways.

Our lasting impression was that the young man was a retard. But should his scheme be successful, this could be just the beginning of a whole new era in web based organ sales, and our friend could become the first internet organ mogul. But most likely he’ll just die.

Long Lost Envelope Sheds New Light On Lincoln

Lincoln, probably loaded, is photographed late in life.

Abraham Lincoln is widely considered one of the best presidents ever to lead the United States. To have been at the helm of the ship of state through one of its darkest eras surely earns him such recognition. But it is known that in his own time Lincoln was far less popular, in both the North and the South, than is the man as we know him today. Many people point to the almost impossibly charged political climate of the times, but TTLA has unearthed evidence which may further explain his contemporary criticism.

Recently, Edda Spinachbinder, a researcher at the Abraham Lincoln Library and Presidential Museum in Harrowgate, Tennessee, was making her way through some of the dustiest and most unused corners of this prestigious site, when she came across a rather large envelope which bore the label “That Gettysburg Thing.” What she found when she opened the package shook her understanding of the 16th president to the core.

“What I found,” said Ms. Spinachbinder, “was a series of early drafts of the world famous Gettysburg Address, many of which are very different from the speech as we know it today.”

She pulled out one of the sheets and read from it, indicating that it may be the first draft. The text was as follows:

“Whoa, what a lot of dead people there are here! The last time I was around this many stiffs I was addressing a joint session of congress!”

“He also appears to have written in his own rim-shots, as after entries such as that he has written, ‘bada-boom!’” said Spinachbinder. She also found evidence that Lincoln planned to deal with the care for the war-wounded at the end of the conflict in a later draft which read:

“I see a lot of wounded veterans in the crowd today, and I’m sure you’re concerned about how your government will care for you in light of the service you have rendered to your nation. I’m sure you’ll be making claims for veterans rights, but frankly I don’t think you have a leg to stand on! HA! Amputation joke! Ahh, what’s the matter Stumpy? Too Soon? Bada-boom!”

There have arisen questions as to the President’s mental status during the composition of the address, as history tells us. During the train trip from Washington, D.C., to Gettysburg on November 18, Lincoln remarked to John Hay that he felt weak. On the morning of November 19, Lincoln mentioned to John Nicolay that he was dizzy. Finally he admitted to Montgomery Blair, “Monty, I’m shit-faced. There’s no telling how this speech might go.”

Lincoln won no good grace from the locals either, as draft three indicates:

“It’s great to be back in Pennsylvania. Wonderful freakin’ state. I spent a month here one afternoon. I’m thinking of turning this whole stinking cesspool into a national cemetery. It would be an improvement.”

But as the drafts went on, the speech began to start making inroads into more recognizable formats.

  • For example, draft seven’s opening sentence, “I scored four times on the train ride here,” became “Four score and seven years ago.”
  • The statement “I’m so drunk, I doubt I’ll remember being here,” became “The world will little note, nor long remember what we say here, but it can never forget what they did here.”
  • “I don’t know how long I can endure being in your company,” became “Now we are engaged in a great civil war, testing whether that nation, or any nation, so conceived and so dedicated, can long endure.” And finally…
  • “I wish all you people and the people by the people as well as those four people, would just perish from the earth,” became, “…and that government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth.

Of course no recordings of the speech exist, poised as it was just prior to the invention of the phonograph and way before the iPod, but the fact that it is remembered in its final, magnificent format, appears to be largely due to the skill at which the President’s personal attendants sobered him up prior to his arrival in Gettysburg.

In an equally epic discovery, Ms. Spinachbinder has found an early draft of the Emancipation Proclamation, which suggested that the black slaves of the south be freed, but that they should be replaced by “Eye-ties from New Jersey.”

“It’s a wonder he wasn’t shot sooner,” concluded Spinachbinder.

Man arrested for pipeline bomb made of random junk and porno: FBI

HOUSTON (Reuters) – An Oklahoma man was arrested and charged on Friday with trying to destroy a natural gas pipeline with a homemade bomb, the FBI said. The bomb, which was made of pop bottles, wooden stirrers and a little chewing gum, all wrapped in the centerfold from the March 1974 issue of Playboy.

FBI Agents indicated that this bomb looked more realistic than the one left by the pipeline.

The Oklahoma City division of the FBI said on Friday that Daniel Wells Herriman, 40, of Konawa, Oklahoma, called Seminole County 911 emergency response on Wednesday and said he had made the device at his home.

He said that he put it under the above-ground pipeline on Sunday in a remote area near Okemah, about 75 miles east of Oklahoma City, and set the timer. The timer, however, was just a clock-face drawn on Miss March’s left boob.

FBI agent Jewels Spinninger said of the device, “In order to explode this device would have required an important additional element: an actual bomb.”

Hours before Herriman made that call, employees of the company that runs the line, Houston-based Enerfin Resources, found the device and alerted authorities, the FBI said. Several also reportedly peed their pants laughing.

Not remarkably, the device did not explode and the pipeline was undamaged.

Spinninger said Herriman had no connection to the company other than the whole wanting to blow them up thing. Herriman was in federal custody in Muskogee, Oklahoma, on Friday and it was not clear if he had yet obtained an attorney. “We’re waiting for one that does not laugh and wave his hands as he leaves the building.”

An affidavit filed with the criminal complaint on Friday said FBI agents searched Herriman’s residence, found items like those used to make the device, and arrested him without incident. They also noted those items were available at Costco and considered bringing them in for questioning as well. “At the last moment we remembered the Playboy. Costco does not sell  Playboy,” Spinninger said.

After Herriman’s arrest, his 73-year-old father Dan told Reuters his son had been undergoing treatment for years for mental health problems, which had worsened recently.

“He said he’s been hearing voices for the last couple weeks,” the elder Herriman said. “He was trying to get back to the V.A. (Veteran’s Administration hospital). I’ve tried to explain to him that his bombs suck, but in his mental state he just keeps building them. Ruining all my old Playboys, too.”

When asked why prosecute someone who didn’t actually build a workable bomb, Spinninger said, “We at the FBI don’t discriminate based on someone’s complete inability to actually commit the crime they are attempting.”

Yahoo News

Alabama still collecting tax for Confederate vets, Optimistic about finding one

MOUNTAIN CREEK, Ala. (AP) — The last of the more than 60,000 Confederate veterans who came home to Alabama after the Civil War died generations ago, yet residents are still paying a tax that supported the neediest among them. “You never know when some old vet is going to show up and say ‘Hey! Did we finish running them Yankees out of ‘Bama?’” said Alabama spokesman Miles “Bubba” Atwater.

Despite fire-and-brimstone opposition to taxes among many in a state that still has “Heart of Dixie” on its license plates, officials never stopped collecting a property tax that once funded the Alabama Confederate Soldiers’ Home, which closed 72 years ago. The tax now pays for Confederate Memorial Park, which sits on the same 102-acre tract where elderly veterans used to stroll. “Those were the days,” said Atwater, “when angry old rebels used to wander the grounds of what now is this park commemorating their yelling and running and bayoneting.

The tax once brought in millions for Confederate pensions, but lawmakers sliced up the levy and sent money elsewhere as the men and their wives died. No one has seriously challenged the continued use of the money for a memorial to the “Lost Cause,” in part because few realize it exists; one long-serving black legislator who thought the tax had been done away with said he wants to eliminate state funding for the park. “”That money could be much better put to use lining my own pockets,” said Horace Sherman Franklin, showing true political aplomb.

These days, 150 years after the Civil War started, officials say the old tax typically brings in more than $400,000 annually for the park, where Confederate flags flapped on a recent steamy afternoon. That’s not much compared to Alabama’s total operating budget of $1.8 billion, but it’s still a shitload of cash, considering it’s supporting a group of dead soldiers.

“It’s a beautifully maintained park. It’s one of the best because of the funding source. I mean $400 grand a year? It ought to shoot quarters out of the fountains at the passers by,” said Clara Noballs of the Alabama Historical Commission, which oversees Confederate Memorial Park.

Longtime park director Bill “First Blood” Rambo is more succinct.

“Everyone is jealous of us,” he said. “They’re all ‘Oh, you shouldn’t collect a tax for people who have been dead going on 80 years.’ Well screw them. If people are stupid enough to keep paying, we’ll keep collecting. This is just the sort of stupidity that lost them the war in the first place.”

Tax experts say they know of no other state that still collects a tax so directly connected to the Civil War, although some federal excise taxes on tobacco and alcohol first were enacted during the war to help fund the Union. (Few now remember the slogan to support the tax “Liquor and a Smoke will kill a Dirty Rebel Bloke.”)

“Broadly speaking, almost all taxes have their start in a war of some sort,” said Joseph J. Thorndike, director of a tax history project at Tax Analysts, a nonprofit organization that studies taxation. “Consider the Iraqi cotton candy tax.”

Cash Cab Rules becoming more Strict: Pedestrian Killed by taxi

VANCOUVER, Canada — The production company for a TV game-show filmed inside a fake taxi offered condolences Saturday after its vehicle hit and killed a pedestrian, The Canadian Press news agency reported.”He just hit three strikes too fast. An example had to be made of him.”

Andrew Burnstein, president of Vancouver-based Castlewood Productions Inc., said the team with Discovery Channel’s “Cash Cab” sends thoughts and prayers to the 61-year-old victim from Surrey, B.C., and his family. “We’re sorry he was so dumb.”

Vancouver Police said the unidentified man died of injuries suffered when he was struck just before midnight in the Downtown Eastside. The victim’s name is not being released at the request of the family, police said. “We don’t want to be identified with the stigma.”

No charges have been filed but the incident remains under investigation. “Rules are rules,” said police.

Bailey on Stricter Rules: "Viewers want stupidity punished."

Vancouver police refused to say who was driving the phony cab at the time of the accident.

Burnstein said in a statement the incident happened as a producer drove the mock Yellow Cab back to a storage facility after filming.

Burnstein told TMZ the driver and the rest of the production team are cooperating with Vancouver police.

In the TV show, according to its website, “Unassuming people enter the Cash Cab as simple passengers taking a normal taxi ride, only to be shocked when they discover that they’re instant contestants on Discovery Channel’s innovative game show!” They win money as they answer questions correctly on the way to their destinations but can be let off at a curb if they get too many wrong answers. If they get them too quickly, they are run down and killed.

Comedian Ben Bailey is the host and driver of Cash Cab. “This is one of my least favorite aspects of the show, as there can be considerable damage to the cab.”

“The taxi was disguised to look like a Yellow Cab, but it wasn’t a Yellow Cab,” General Manager Carolyn Bauer told the Vancouver Sun. “It was for production.”

“It wasn’t one of our drivers, it wasn’t one of our taxis,” Bauer said, adding that her company provided written permission to the production company to use the Yellow Cab logo and company information on the vehicle.

“We’re not receiving any money for this,” she said. “Which is a shame, because there’s good money in hit and run.”

MSNBC

Another Letterman Looney: Man arrested after break-in at Letterman show theater, Unaware he could obtain ticket to see show

The Ed Sullivan Theater when opened for business; Whittemore not in sight.

NEW YORK (Reuters) – A New York man was arrested on Sunday after allegedly breaking into the Ed Sullivan Theater in midtown Manhattan, where David Letterman tapes his late night talk show, police said. “Apparently he was unaware that he could actually obtain a ticket and enter the theater legally when the show was being taped.”

James Whittemore, 22, of Manhattan was arrested in the lobby of the theater, where he was trying unsuccessfully to buy some popcorn, at about 7 a.m. and charged with burglary and criminal mischief, police said. “We wanted to charge him with just being dumb as well, but apparently that’s not a crime.”

He was being held pending a court appearance later on Sunday.

Dave: "It's getting ridiculous. What's next? A guy passing bad checks with my picture on them?"

The theater, where Letterman tapes CBS’ “Late Show.” was closed at the time. Whittemore was arrested after police received a 911 call, which was placed by Letterman who was in his office at the time. “It’s happening again,” he told a 911 dispatcher. Apparently Letterman was making reference to when Margaret Mary Ray was arrested and charged several times for trespassing and stalking the talk show host starting in the late 1980s.

Police said they did not know whether Sunday’s break-in had anything to do with Letterman in particular or whether Whittemore just liked to attempt to buy popcorn in closed theaters.

In 2009 Letterman was targeted for extortion by a former employee who threatened to expose his affair with a female staff member. He informed police and the man was arrested. It has been speculated that Letterman is what is known in the police parlance as “a looney magnet,” and that he somehow attracts whackos out of the very air he breathes.

Yahoo News

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